Posted
on 05/23/2011, 11:33 am
My boyfriend hasn’t talked to me a lot lately and its bothering me… i don’t know what to do anymore so i was wondering if you could give me some advice because with my last boyfriend i had he did the exact same thing right before he broke up with me… i just really need some advice? Please?
Confused in Maine :/
Hey Confused,
If your BF isn’t paying you no mind, you SHOULD be bothered. Good boyfriends (and girlfriends) should be around to talk to, hang out with and smooch. If 1/2 of the relationship suddenly goes MIA, it’s total reason for concern.
So, here’s what: First, brace yourself. It’s very likely that your man is over it and is wanting to break up. I know this SUUUUCKS to hear, but it’s very likely and it’s something you should keep in mind for step 2: The Conversation.
You’ve *got* to sit your guy down (in person–not over the phone, on FB, twitter or otherwise. You can’t afford to get anything less than his full attention on this one) and find out what’s up. In a *calm* manner (no matter how pissed you might be) say, “I’ve noticed you’re not around much lately. Is something wrong?”
Now it’s *his* turn to be an adult and honestly tell you what’s happening. He might take the opportunity to break up right there. Or he might tell you that his parents are going through a divorce. Whatever the case, you need to be prepared to take on some gnarly stuff. If he wants to break up, find out why and talk through it. If there’s something else going on that requires your support, show him that you’re there for him (and he doesn’t need to shut you out when the going gets rough).
*If* he decides to evade your question and doesn’t honestly tell you what’s up, maybe you should consider breaking up with him. A good relationship requires honesty and open communication. If that’s not something you guys can achieve, then he’s not the right fit for you. Boyfriends are put on this earth to make life better. If your relationship isn’t elevating your happiness, end it; you (and he) deserves one that does.
Posted
on 04/06/2011, 8:44 pm
In this week’s Dear Erika for Secret Life on ABCfamily.com:
I’ve never had a boyfriend. Ever. And I’m a senior in high school. It’s so embarrassing and I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m pretty popular and I don’t think I’m ugly or anything like that, but it just hasn’t happened yet. I’m so tired of people telling me, “You’re young. It’ll happen. Don’t worry.” And, “You’re thinking about it too much. Just stop looking!” No one understands. All my friends have boyfriends. I feel like something is wrong with me. What can I do to fix myself?
K.
Check out this week’s Dear Erika for the answer!
Posted
on 11/29/2010, 10:09 pm
Dear Erika,
my boyfriend makes me super happy but when i think about “us” it makes me feel really weird because he doesn’t seem my type at all … i really believe i like him & everyone says follow your heart, how am i suppose to do that when i can’t tell what my heart wants ? My whole family likes him & they believe he’s the best guy for me but how do i really know ?
I totally feel you. When I look back at the random collection of guys I’ve been with, each of them had qualities that totally didn’t sync up with my own. One listened to a type of music I found and *still* find revolting. Another didn’t recycle. (I mean come on! How hard is it to recycle?? What kind of numbskull doesn’t recycle??) Another had totally opposite political leanings that leaned way WAY far away from me and mine. When I thought about these things, it weirded me out. (How could I be kissing the political enemy?)
But when I didn’t sweat these little differences and just lived out the day to day, kickage was awesome. No matter what the difference, each dude had the same core qualities that I love in a guy–a deliciously dark sense of humor yet friendly disposition, a respect for me, his friends and people in general, and lots of cute (you *can’t* forget the cuteness!!)
If you and your family like this dude, it’s probably because he’s a good guy. It sounds like your heart *does* know what it wants–the guy that’s already making you happy. It’s your *head* that’s got you in a freak-out. Don’t let your head get you twisted. Over thinking things can really mess stuff up.
Instead, go with your heart–the differences between the two of you could make for the most dynamic and fun part of your relationship. (Who knows, maybe you’ll start to get into his wacky world of ping pong yourself.)
Even better, learning to accept other peoples differences and finding a way to love those peeps, differences and all, is a HUGE asset to have in life; It’s a characteristic that will help you down the road when it comes to that boss with questionable fashion sense or a friend who chews with her mouth open.
Posted
on 11/14/2010, 11:02 pm
Dear Erika,
This guy I like is really cute and stuff but I’m afraid that he might be still in love with his ex. They almost had a baby together but she ended up loosing the baby and then the were together for 2 years after that. Every time i talk to him he always talks about her and it frustrates me. What should I do? And how should I make him stop talking about her?
Whoa. This guy has got a *huge* history with his ex. They were together for years, they almost had a kid together, and they went through a really traumatic and heavy experience together too. No matter how you slice it, this guy had a tight connection with his former flame and there’s not much you can do to take that away from him.
The fact that your crush talks incessantly about his ex shows that he’s not over her. No matter what, it takes time to get over breakups. And if this guy isn’t done thinking that his ex is the one for him, (and here’s the gnarly part) you should run the other direction. Here’s why: If you are sinking time and emotions into getting to know him better and meanwhile, he’s taking your cool energy and attention and using it to remind him of her, then you aren’t setting yourself up for a relationship in which you get the attention you deserve. And that just shortchanges yourself majorly.
It’s not that he’s doing this intentionally or probably even consciously. And this irritating pattern doesn’t even make him a bad guy. It’s just that he’s at his capacity to give emotion and attention to anyone until he gets over his ex. And there’s nothing you can do to snap him out of this–it’s something he’s going to have to arrive at on his own. Sucky.
So try to find another cute and emotionally available guy out there to bless with your awesome presence. That’s the only way you’ll get as much attention, affection and respect as you give.
heart,
erika
**Need Advice? Contact me [erika stalder at gmail dot com] and Handle the Scandal!
