Posted
on 06/01/2011, 12:21 pm
Dear Erika,
I am having problems at home and it is affecting my flag line participation. My mom is always yelling at me and it seems like she never yells at my two older brothers. Every time I try to have a normal conversation with her I seem to say something wrong. To top it all off people at school are calling me out of my name and none of the teachers seem to care. Every time I set foot in the school or at home it seems to go wrong. What should I do? I go to the park and take a walk to calm down but it never seems to work. I try to talk to my closest friend about it but she doesn’t seem to know what to do because she is close to everybody she meets. My dad doesn’t understand what I am going through and I never have anyone to talk to. Please help me with my problems!
- Lost In Ohio
Ugh. Life just sucks when you feel like you can’t do anything right. What’s with everyone name calling and getting down on you? Before I get into anything else, I want to commend you for trying to clear your head by walking and trying to confide in your bestie who doesn’t quite get where you’re coming from. That you’re trying to make the situation better is awesome. Here are some other things you can try to lift all the negativity from your life.
First, you’re going to have to gain a little perspective. While things seem awful and that everyone is against you, the reality is it’s probably not as impossible as it seems. Let’s take your mom situation, for example. Of course it seems like your mom is yelling at you more than your bothers–you are at the receiving end of 100% of the bad mojo your mom is throwing your way. But you don’t see everything that goes on between your mom and your brothers, so kill the comparisons–when it comes to siblings comparing rarely help at all.
Now the next step is a bit of a revelation: Even though you feel like you have no one to talk to about this stuff, you actually do–and get this–that person to talk to is your mother. Now I know that confiding in what seems to be the enemy sounds counter intuitive, if not totally weird. And you might have to Jedi mind trick yourself to pull this off. BUT if done compassionately, talking to your mom will help fix many of your problems.
Here’s how to do it: Find a time to talk with her when she’s not stressed or doing a thousand different things. (Like if she’s cooking dinner and replying to emails? Don’t try to talk to her then. Wait until she’s reading a magazine or watching random TV.) When you have her undivided attention, tell her exactly what’s on your mind. Tell her that you feel like you can’t do anything right with her. Tell her you feel like you’re getting yelled at a lot and that it’s worrying you, stressing you out and effecting your performance at school. Don’t be whiny or mean about it–just tell her how you feel and that you want to be able to communicate with her without yelling. It’s very likely that all this static isn’t intentional and that she’ll tell you so much in your chat. Showing your mom that you care about your relationship and want to have an adult conversation about it will help get things back on track.
Once you clear things up with your mom, you’ll find that you have an excellent confidant in her. Tell her what’s going on in school. Believe it or not, she probably went through some of the same stuff that you’re going through and she probably can help you deal with it all. Even if she just lightens up on you at home, that will help you deal no doubt. So get your mom back on your team–it’ll make your life easier and give you someone to confide in!
Posted
on 05/23/2011, 11:33 am
My boyfriend hasn’t talked to me a lot lately and its bothering me… i don’t know what to do anymore so i was wondering if you could give me some advice because with my last boyfriend i had he did the exact same thing right before he broke up with me… i just really need some advice? Please?
Confused in Maine :/
Hey Confused,
If your BF isn’t paying you no mind, you SHOULD be bothered. Good boyfriends (and girlfriends) should be around to talk to, hang out with and smooch. If 1/2 of the relationship suddenly goes MIA, it’s total reason for concern.
So, here’s what: First, brace yourself. It’s very likely that your man is over it and is wanting to break up. I know this SUUUUCKS to hear, but it’s very likely and it’s something you should keep in mind for step 2: The Conversation.
You’ve *got* to sit your guy down (in person–not over the phone, on FB, twitter or otherwise. You can’t afford to get anything less than his full attention on this one) and find out what’s up. In a *calm* manner (no matter how pissed you might be) say, “I’ve noticed you’re not around much lately. Is something wrong?”
Now it’s *his* turn to be an adult and honestly tell you what’s happening. He might take the opportunity to break up right there. Or he might tell you that his parents are going through a divorce. Whatever the case, you need to be prepared to take on some gnarly stuff. If he wants to break up, find out why and talk through it. If there’s something else going on that requires your support, show him that you’re there for him (and he doesn’t need to shut you out when the going gets rough).
*If* he decides to evade your question and doesn’t honestly tell you what’s up, maybe you should consider breaking up with him. A good relationship requires honesty and open communication. If that’s not something you guys can achieve, then he’s not the right fit for you. Boyfriends are put on this earth to make life better. If your relationship isn’t elevating your happiness, end it; you (and he) deserves one that does.
Posted
on 01/27/2011, 2:14 pm
Dear Erika,
I am in a complicated situation with the guy I like. He and I were close earlier this year but then he started to change. At the past dance he laughed and smiled and really enjoyed himself when he was with all of our friends but when I started to talk to him his smile went away and he was all-serious. Also i like him a lot but he doesn’t know it and he wants to ask my best friend to prom. What should i do? and if giving up is an option how do I do it because every time I try, my feelings just come back stronger.
So you like this guy and he has no clue. Talk about torment! At first glance, this guy’s actions show he might not be interested (getting quiet around you, talking about asking a friend of yours to prom). He might not be. Or he might be shy around you because he IS interested, but doesn’t know how to approach you. OR he might not even know you like him. OR it’s just that he never thought of you like that. The point is–there are about a million different scenarios as to why this guy is acting the way he is toward you. The only way to find out which scenario is true is to straight up ask him.
Now, I know its crazy difficult to work up the nerve to talk to this guy about how you feel. The possibility of rejection is huge and *nobody* likes having their feelings hurt–especially by a hottie they’ve been crushing on. BUT if you really want to quit wondering why he’s acting the way he is and know *for sure* if you have a chance to be with him, you’ve got to tell him face to face how you feel and ask him directly if he’s interested in you like that.
Mind you, this convo doesn’t have to be particularly long or heart-baring. Try telling him simply and directly, “I’m kinda crushing on you. What do you think of me?” In just two sentences, you’re letting him know where you stand and asking him about what he thinks of you in a way that prevents him from muttering a “yes” or “no” answer. And you want to do this to his face so he can’t claim he never got the text or use the FB message to turn around and blow up your spot.
If you can’t muster up the gumption to find out where he really stands, you’ll have try to find another guy who makes you feel the same way. Of course, this might leave you always wondering “what if?” whenever you see, hear or think of him. And regret lingers a lot longer than taking a chance. Talk about torment!
Posted
on 11/29/2010, 10:09 pm
Dear Erika,
my boyfriend makes me super happy but when i think about “us” it makes me feel really weird because he doesn’t seem my type at all … i really believe i like him & everyone says follow your heart, how am i suppose to do that when i can’t tell what my heart wants ? My whole family likes him & they believe he’s the best guy for me but how do i really know ?
I totally feel you. When I look back at the random collection of guys I’ve been with, each of them had qualities that totally didn’t sync up with my own. One listened to a type of music I found and *still* find revolting. Another didn’t recycle. (I mean come on! How hard is it to recycle?? What kind of numbskull doesn’t recycle??) Another had totally opposite political leanings that leaned way WAY far away from me and mine. When I thought about these things, it weirded me out. (How could I be kissing the political enemy?)
But when I didn’t sweat these little differences and just lived out the day to day, kickage was awesome. No matter what the difference, each dude had the same core qualities that I love in a guy–a deliciously dark sense of humor yet friendly disposition, a respect for me, his friends and people in general, and lots of cute (you *can’t* forget the cuteness!!)
If you and your family like this dude, it’s probably because he’s a good guy. It sounds like your heart *does* know what it wants–the guy that’s already making you happy. It’s your *head* that’s got you in a freak-out. Don’t let your head get you twisted. Over thinking things can really mess stuff up.
Instead, go with your heart–the differences between the two of you could make for the most dynamic and fun part of your relationship. (Who knows, maybe you’ll start to get into his wacky world of ping pong yourself.)
Even better, learning to accept other peoples differences and finding a way to love those peeps, differences and all, is a HUGE asset to have in life; It’s a characteristic that will help you down the road when it comes to that boss with questionable fashion sense or a friend who chews with her mouth open.
Posted
on 11/14/2010, 11:02 pm
Dear Erika,
This guy I like is really cute and stuff but I’m afraid that he might be still in love with his ex. They almost had a baby together but she ended up loosing the baby and then the were together for 2 years after that. Every time i talk to him he always talks about her and it frustrates me. What should I do? And how should I make him stop talking about her?
Whoa. This guy has got a *huge* history with his ex. They were together for years, they almost had a kid together, and they went through a really traumatic and heavy experience together too. No matter how you slice it, this guy had a tight connection with his former flame and there’s not much you can do to take that away from him.
The fact that your crush talks incessantly about his ex shows that he’s not over her. No matter what, it takes time to get over breakups. And if this guy isn’t done thinking that his ex is the one for him, (and here’s the gnarly part) you should run the other direction. Here’s why: If you are sinking time and emotions into getting to know him better and meanwhile, he’s taking your cool energy and attention and using it to remind him of her, then you aren’t setting yourself up for a relationship in which you get the attention you deserve. And that just shortchanges yourself majorly.
It’s not that he’s doing this intentionally or probably even consciously. And this irritating pattern doesn’t even make him a bad guy. It’s just that he’s at his capacity to give emotion and attention to anyone until he gets over his ex. And there’s nothing you can do to snap him out of this–it’s something he’s going to have to arrive at on his own. Sucky.
So try to find another cute and emotionally available guy out there to bless with your awesome presence. That’s the only way you’ll get as much attention, affection and respect as you give.
heart,
erika
**Need Advice? Contact me [erika stalder at gmail dot com] and Handle the Scandal!
